And so here we are again, with another week of deluded and denuded, grumpy, sour-faced, anorexic models prancing around the Viaduct, under the impression that Auckland Fashion Week is of global importance.


Today, hold your breath, Pamela Anderson arrives to make a major fashion statement, with a range of swimwear that is not made of fur or leather. Well, duh!


Since when has swimwear ever been made of fur or leather? And since when has Pamela Anderson ever been a by-word of taste or good fashion? She’s always been known for two things only: her bad taste in ugly rockers, and her lack of acting ability. Asking Pammie to come to Fashion Week in an effort to raise your profile and your credibility is surely one of the greater fashion faux-pas of all time: worse than falling over in your 9 inch Westwoods.


Auckland makes me despair: one of the world’s greatest harbours, ruined by one of the world’s ugliest cities. It’s certainly not known for its fashion: indeed, if we take the West family as NZ’s most-loved style icons, then a sense of anti-fashion is more likely. Fashion is soooo dated – so 1980s – so utterly pointless and such a waste of time and resources, yet it seems the press love to witter on about it, despite our country’s chronic lack of interest and ability in it. Indeed, not just Aucklanders, but New Zealanders and NZ men in particular get a bashing from design commentator Douglas Lloyd Jenkins in a recent Listener article, although arguably the same allegation of poor taste in fashion could be leveled at gay men as well as straight men, and at women as well. There is a none too subtle – and boring – irony that not only do gay men rule the female fashion world, but that now they deign to tell straight men that their fashion sense sucks as well. And this from a man who dresses as Rupert the Bear. Thank heavens that in the Fishy world, our scales are fashion enough, and the rest of the herring crowd doesn’t mind if you are a boy fish or a girl fish.


Anyway: we don’t need to worry about fashion here in Wellington – your hair is cut short because of the wind, women don’t wear a skirt in case it ends up over your head, men tend not to wear kilts for much the same reasons, and black is such a sensible colour, it’ll work for everywhere from the CakeTin to the nightclub. All you need now are a few polka dots…. coming soon…!


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